Wednesday, April 26, 2017

"WHY WOULD I WANT TO DATE YOU?"

Let’s be honest here, dating can kinda suck.  I mean, it is really hard to find that perfect someone when you are in college like us.  We both know that miracles do happen, but when you have a chronic illness it becomes a million times harder.  There are a lot of things that make this more difficult.  Dating is already hard enough, so when you put chronic illness with trying to find a decent human being, you have a bit more trouble than the normal person.  Here we decided to discuss our dating / lack of dating lives.  Because we know from experience that it is super hard to find someone when you are chronically ill.  Let’s just say that while we hope to find someone one day that can see our good qualities, we know that may not happen.  
For many people with chronic illness it can be difficult to leave the house. This leaves online dating. Just like any “normal” / healthy person, you can find some creeps while dating online.  Let’s just say that we have met quite a few of those online.  Obviously, we did not go to meet any of these people in person, but we did get some creepy messages.  Here are some of the highlights...and yes, these are real (we honestly cannot make this up)
  • “I looked up Ehlers Danlos, are you really that flexible, will you show me?”
  • “So can you bend over backwards?”
  • “Just how flexible are you?”
  • “Can you put your legs behind your head?”
  • “So you have a talent, what have you done?”
    • Because of course my chronic pain illness is here for other people’s enjoyment--not
  • “Are you really that flexible, how do you feel about a costume?”
    • I really did not want to know the details
  • “So you can dislocate, how do you feel about pain?”
    • Because someone with chronic pain is definitely turned on by pain, that makes sense--not
There are also those people who cannot handle the fact that you are sick.  While many people tell us that there is no way that someone would ever do this, it does happen, kind of a lot.  If we are being honest these people probably are never going to change.  This is why we have a hard time dating.  While many have tried to reassure us saying that the right person will come, we cannot help but think “when?”  Again, some highlights of the rudest people...
  • “You’re really pretty but there is just too much wrong with you, I just can’t handle that.”
  • “Why are you on a dating site, (reveal medical conditions), oh I get it, yea good luck with that.”
  • “No way that is true, you are too pretty to be this sick.”
  • “So are you dying?”
    • Because this is a perfect conversation starter since it is SO appropriate…
  • “Wait so does that mean you can’t have sex?”
    • Again, because this is SO appropriate
  • “So are you like bed bound or something, I’m just asking to see if I am wasting my time.”
There are also the cheesy people who think that their pickup lines will win over our hearts.  Let’s just say that these lines (hopefully) do not work on anyone.  And if they do, we are a little bit concerned.  
  • “You only have half a heart because I stole the other half.”
    • All we can say is really--this is what you go with...our roommates could not believe it when they heard this line
  • “I bet I am more flexible than you, let's have a contest and see.”
    • You're not and that will NEVER happen
This is one reason why we do not have an active dating life.  When you live in and out of the hospital and other clinics, that makes it a little hard to go out and start dating.  I can understand how people would not understand our medical conditions, but it is no reason to be downright mean. We are people too, and like anybody just want to find someone that is nice and understanding but apparently that is too much to ask.  This is why we decide to disclose that we have medical problems early on.  It helps to weed out what kind of person you are dealing with.  You find the creepy people, the rude people, the cheesy people, and just a handful of decent human beings.  
Now, there are some decent human beings on these dating websites, one is now a good friend.  He may not have been boyfriend material, but he has become a good friend.  Instead of being creepy, rude, or cheesy, he actually asked questions about me.  He wanted to know more about who I am outside of my medical conditions.  Of course he did have a few questions, but they were asked politely.  He also talked to me as if I was a real human being.  He asked about favorite foods and favorite movies.  He asked questions about what I wanted to do after college, and asked how a test went.  I was a real person in his eyes, and while we may not have started dating, I would rather make a true friend than get a “just okay” boyfriend.  
We both hope that all who read this who have a chronic illness do not lose all hope, while not all people are great there are still some good people out there.  To those of you who do not have a chronic illness, please know that we are human.  We want to be able to find love, and please do not treat us as if we are less than human--we have feelings too.

To everybody struggling with dating, we know that it can be hard but…

WE BELIEVE IN YOU!

-Nemo, Tremors & Secret Agent Puppy

P.S. And if all else fails, at least we have a dog, and that is true love :)

3 comments:

  1. Can't believe some of these comments! I hope you meet someone worthy soon - but definitely agree that a true friend is much better than an okay partner!

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  2. Well articulated post, I totally feel you :) I've shared it to all my social media channels, and also linked it to a similar post I wrote on my blog!: http://www.achronicvoice.com/2017/02/26/date-person-chronic-illness/

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  3. I can relate to many points. As someone with celiac disease, I often have to reveal my diagnosis before the first date since I need to eat at a place with a celiac-safe gf menu. Awkwardly enough, I can also get "glutened" if someone kisses me after eating gluten...so I always have to tell dates to brush their teeth first! However, I've met some wonderful men, including one who went gluten free for a few days (soon after we met and waaaay before we even considered dating) to "know what it is like." Keep up hope!

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