Fears (AKA Needles)

There are always fears in the chronic illness world.  There is the fear that you won’t be diagnosed.  The fear that the treatment won’t work.  Or, the fear that there is nothing more that can be done.  Everyone has fears, and at times you have to face them.  Today, we are talking about a fear that many people have, not just those with chronic illnesses.  Needles.  I mean, needles aren’t great.  They poke and when you are in the hospital there are always needles at the ready.  We are sharing our two stories about how our fear of needles has grown and changed.  

Tremors:

When I was little I HATED needles with a passion.  I hated getting vaccinations, and would dread the appointments.  Now, all of that has changed somewhat.  I have been told by a number of people that I am too comfortable around needles now.  I started having injections in the back of my head once a month for alopecia around six years ago.  At first, I hated going and would spend the whole ride home about to cry.  My scalp was sore from having a needle jabbed in it 10+ times.  I slowly got use to it and in the end I would refuse the ice packs to numb my scalp.  I would tell the doctor that we parked in the 25 minute zone and that we were running out of time.  When that was over, because my alopecia became too far gone for that treatment.  Then, a few years later I went through multiple blood tests before being told that I had to start Methotrexate injections.  Methotrexate is chemo, or as Nemo calls it “pee.”  (Methotrexate is bright yellow)  I did my weekly “pee” injections with insulin syringes into my stomach.  Let me tell you, that is NOT fun.  I started out terrified when I was handed a needle and vial of Methotrexate and told to basically stab myself.  It took me weeks to get use to my new Saturday night routine.  I would put out the wipes, needle and vial and stare at it wishing that it would all go away.  I then would slowly and carefully go through the steps of giving myself the injection.  A little while after that, I started going in every few weeks for IVIG infusions.  At first, I was given the infusion through an IV.  However, on my third admission I went through around 10 different IV lines because my veins decided that it would be fabulous to blow.  (IVIG pooling in the arm is not fun)  Then, I got a port implanted in my chest, and got to deal with a whole new type of needle.  (Fun right!?)  I use a 1 in port needle that would be thrust into my chest every 2 to 3 weeks.  I never used a numbing cream, because I am impatient.  

Here is a picture of a 1 in port needle in the packaging

Here is a picture of my accessed port during an IVIG infusion

Today, I deal with needles at least once every two weeks.  I have learned to accept the needles, and hardly bat an eye around them anymore.  I know that does not happen with everyone.  (More on that to come)  I do not know how I am able to cope with all of the needles, but I know that I do not have the same fear of needles that I had when I was younger.  I have come to accept that the pain is temporary (UNLESS something goes wrong and the port doesn’t get connected right).  

Nemo:

I’ll be honest.  I do not like needles now, and I do not think that I will ever like them.  When you are in and out of the hospital and a frequent flier like me, you get to see a lot of needles.  And by a lot I really mean more needles than you ever want to see.  You never truly get use to the various IVs and other pokes.  I have had IV infusions, and all kinds of needles in the past.  I hate needles because of my heart surgeries.  I mean, surgery does mean that there is A LOT of poking and prodding.  Growing up being used as a human pin cushion has not made me any more use to needles.  There is also a huge distrust of people that comes along with a dislike of needles.   People would tell me I wouldn't get shots when I would go to the doctors, and then they would give me them.  I mean, that’s not the best thing to do.  I use to get pinned to the hospital bed when being approached with needles.  A person for each limb and one to hold down my chest.  Being held down and being approached with a needle is not something that you can easily get use to.  Also, having hard to access veins makes EVERYTHING a million times more difficult.  That leads to more pokes and more unwanted pain.  On the plus side (I guess) you do get to know certain people in the labs, etc. very well.  I can have very nice conversations with them, but still not a fan of the fact that the needle is the end game.  I HATE NEEDLES!

There are many fears that come along with having a chronic illness.  While some are complex, the fear of needles seems small to some.  However, needles are something that are around every corner when having a chronic illness.  Shots, IVs, blood tests and more are always present.  You cannot run away from them when having a chronic illness.  Just know that you are not alone.  

WE BELIEVE IN YOU!

Nemo and Tremors